Co-living is a communal experience that helps many people thrive, through shared space and shared experiences.  However, we are also human creatures with full lives and emotions that we try to balance. 

When engaging an offending party, it is often done after we have unfortunately let the offenses pile up.  After all, no one wants to be the nag in a house; or be that person that complains about all the little things. 

But there is a scenario that we want to avoid, called Death By 1,000 Papercuts.  Each one of those little offenses is a papercut that, by itself, doesn’t do much harm, if any. But when they are stacked on top of each other, it becomes daunting.

We avoid this tipping point by engaging the other person because chances are, they don’t even realize what they’ve done that is bothering you.  Rarely does someone wake up in the morning with clear intent to bother someone in the house. 

“Hey, let me see what I can do to really upset my housemate today…” 

Instead, that person is just living their best life, unaware of how their actions or words sent a ripple effect into your life.

So how do you best engage that person?  It’s easy with these 3 steps:

1. Engage the other party with something positive about your relationship thus far. You two have lived in the house for some amount of time, and even if your interactions have been sparce, there is something there to lean upon.  “Hey my friend, I’ve not been able to chat with you much but have enjoyed being a good roommate here with you thus far.  You seem like a great person from everything I’ve experienced and I have enjoyed you as a room mate myself. Can I share something with you if you have a few moments?”
2. Then, share the item that is bothering you, stating the facts without conclusions, and offering a solution.  “I wanted to share something with you that I’m willing to bet you aren’t aware of, and anytime I’ve been in those shoes, I just want someone to tell me. Afterall you can do something with facts, but can’t do anything if no one tells you about it. When you come home at midnight and you have your boots on, it makes a lot of noise when you go up and down the stairs. I’m sure it’s an oversight, like I mentioned before. If you wouldn’t mind, could you possibly drop off your boots at the front door so as to minimize the noise?”
3. Then, End on a positive note. Once you offer the solution, the other person will most likely offer an apology, agree to your request, or even offer an alternative solution.  In either scenario, end on a positive note of appreciation. “Thanks for hearing me out and working with me on this.  I appreciate you.”

As a result, you feel heard and understood while the other person feels that you approached them with respect. A moment that started off as conflict, a paper cut as it were, has now turned into a bonding opportunity and brought both people closer together. 

See also Providing Resident Feedback